They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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