I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
