guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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