So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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