So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
