I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
