Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
