i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
