I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
