And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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