Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
