I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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