: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
