All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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