Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm too high and old for this...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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