dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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