I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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