I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
