Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
