i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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