I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
