Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sorry about my life...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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