the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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