Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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