Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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