Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
