If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
