I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
