So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im holly from the hills drunk
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
