the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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