the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My breasts were aching with rage.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
