Cold hands, warm shart.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
