The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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