the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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