Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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