I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
