pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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