did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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