dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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