Im at strip club and am horny
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
