How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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