Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
