Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
