Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
