I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
