if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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