I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
