I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
