News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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