Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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