i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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